Forgiveness

When I think about health, about what makes one healthy, it sometimes appears to be in terms of the absence of sickness.

It is the same with mental health. In mental health the kind of sickness that most generally occurs if either sadness (depression) or worry or nervousness (anxiety disorder). Of course the more serious illness generally involve some break with reality and would include some form of psychosis, or hallucination.

However when dealing with the most common symptoms, there is an absence of a general feeling of well-being. As a Marriage, Family Therapist there is a process of looking at one’s relationships – even one’s relationship to one’s self. Does that person have a good sense of self? That would include having appropriate boundaries – not always doing for others as a way to placate anxiety within one’s self– otherwise that would lead to a codependency. Appropriate sense of self does also not need to demand one’s own way to deny internal feelings of abandonment or betrayal.

Does all this sound too clinical? Perhaps it is. But when I think of one thing that would help one to move along to a positive state of being it is forgiveness. It has been long held as a religious value, but it also valuable in being able to release one’s self from past wounds. When I hold onto unforgiveness in my mind, heart, soul – it ties me to the person that I feel has wounded me. Instead of being free to make clear choices, it colors every choice I make. I would not move into certain areas, because that would potentially lead me to face that one that I hold unforgiveable.

Some may say, but there are certain wounds, crimes that are unforgivable. . . the wounds are too deep. But as some wise soul once said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” That person has already hurt me. Do I want to give them the power to continue that in my psyche.

So unforgiveness is sticking one to the place of disease or dis ease, not being able to flow or move forward but holding to the grief of the past. I have heard of stories of people, who have actually struggled with real physical illness, until they were able to forgive or I think of it as “let go” of the perpetrator. If I hold the perpetrator in that role, doesn’t that make me the victim? Forgiveness is not about condoning the action of the perpetrator. It is about finding peace and about finding a new identity from victim to victor.

Some may feel that others don't understand how hard it would be for them to forgive. That they have been hurt way too deep, and they just can’t forgive. Some get tied to the feeling that they are the victim, and this becomes their identity. This can have a deep psychological effect on attachments in a person’s life.

Forgiveness is a process. The first step is to realize, I lived through the pain, I survived the wound. The second step is to realize that I can still have a life and I can move forward into that life. The third step is to realize that my wound stays unhealed when I hold onto unforgiveness. Then to realize I can make choices that are not a response to the pain. That I am free from my history. I am free to be truly happy.

So how does one forgive? It may be easy to say the words, but they don’t have much meaning. So here are some steps that may help one to forgive.

PRAYER OR MEDITATION OF FORGIVENESS

FORGIVENESS STEPS

The following steps are to be carried out between you and God, Higher Power or Universe in prayer.

1. Forgive the person specifically. State exactly what you are forgiving the offender for, listing as many offenses are you can. (I choose are an act of my will to forgive ___________________. I forgive _____________­­­­­­­__________ for. . .)

2. Ask Your God, Higher Power or Universe to forgive them. (I ask you to forgive _____________. Do not hold these charges against _____________________ on my account. I release ___________________ and ask you to release him/her as well.)

3. Note any unforgiveness, asking for and receiving God, Higher Power or Universe forgiveness. (I ask that you forgive me for any unforgiveness I have held toward _________________. I receive your forgiveness now, and thank you for cleansing my heart from all negativity.)

4. Forgive yourself. ( Even as I have already been forgiven, I now choose to forgive myself for not being perfect and for the errors I have made in the midst of my relationship with ________________________.)

5. Forgive God, Higher Power or Universe. ( I choose to not hold any unforgiveness towards you for allowing ___________________ to hurt me. I recognize that I need to forgive you, not that you need my forgiveness.

6. Ask for the stored up negative emotions to be released. (God, Higher Power or Universe, I ask now that you cleanse from me any stored up negative feelings toward ________________.

7. Ask for the hurt to be healed. God, Higher Power or Universe, I ask that you now heal the wounded places of my soul. Heal my memory of these offenses so that I can look back on them realistically, knowing that they were hurtful, but also knowing that you have healed the hurt.