In my last blog, “If it ain’t broke” I mentioned I would talk about things that help maintain a good relationship. So my number one suggestion is LISTEN.
That may sound like just common sense, but it rarely happens in conflictual relationships. I have heard many times a spouse staying that the other never listens to what they say.
Here are some reasons why people say they don’t listen.
1. I’m too busy to stop and take the time, or it’s a bad time to have that conversation.
2. I’ve heard it all before, they just want to complain.
3. I’m tired of hearing complaints.
4. They never listen to me, so why should I have to listen to them.
5. What the other is saying is too painful.
6. I tried to listen once, but it literally went on for hours and it didn’t solve the problem.
7. What the other is saying is abusive.
Ok the last two reasons need to be looked at more carefully. If the other person is using words that blame and shame and it is endless, there does need to be rules in the communication, or ways to get the communication started on the right foot.
Plan a time to talk. Choose a quiet place and a time when both are rested, and fed and if possible choose a time when there is not a major secondary stress occurring.
Prepare what you want to say beforehand. Do not let yourself run on endlessly or in an unorganized way. It’s difficult for others to listen when it’s all over the place, and the point either seems lost or there are too many points.
This point could probably be the hardest to do, but is the most necessary. Choose your words carefully and take out all the blaming and shaming words, and drop the attitude. If your voice or face are punishing, the other will probably not stick around long. I could probably write pages on this. You wouldn’t do this to any working relationship without expecting to have grave consequences.
Many people, do not know how to do this last point, and that is why they come to therapy. Sometimes we didn’t grow up in families that knew how to practice these techniques, and it seems normal to scream and shout rude comments. We define it as “I HAVE TO TELL MY TRUTH”. But that is a subject for another blog.